I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
