Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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