I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
