so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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