why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We left the knife in your bed.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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