hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
