glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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