God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
