Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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