They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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