Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
