we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
