i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
