He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
