I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
