I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That accounts for only three of the penises
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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