We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Bang-toberfest begins!!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
