I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
