Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
