Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
