I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
