I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
