mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
