I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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