she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
