Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
