the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
