I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
