The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
