and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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