She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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