Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
