I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
