Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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