I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he fucked my hip out of place.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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