I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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