mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
