Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
