she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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