Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
