I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
