Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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