Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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