LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
