Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
