I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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