There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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