and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
