Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
