There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
